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THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes [sic] have more convulsions.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Actual Business Signs

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you areon fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear youcoming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

PRISON vs. WORK

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 foot cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 foot cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one yourself.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then theydeduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have bosses.

Some OXYMORONS

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Airline Food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Soft rock

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

"Now, then ..."

Synthetic natural gas

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Extinct Life

Temporary tax increase

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Real Live Newspaper Headlines

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

Cracking an international market

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences.

For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Excerpts from Southern dictionary

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. State just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. (alt. sp. AWL) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ...must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Kids, y'all stay away from that bob war fence."

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense of see.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far yew!"

Bloopers in Actual Church Bulletins:

Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM, there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Funny sayings

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

8. Is there another word for synonym?

9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

13. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

14. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

15. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

16. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

17. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

18. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

20. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

21. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

22. How is it possible to have a civil war?

23. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

24. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

25. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

26. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?

27. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

28. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

29. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Tax Cuts - As Explained By A Democrat
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.  A refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when the Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the Democrat  National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the ticket holders of the most expensive tickets. That would be unfair and unconscionable.

People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they have less money to spend. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by demonstrating little ambition, few skills and poor work habits, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because that's only fair.

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, then they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to spend.

The people driving (or walking) by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because they need the most help (sometimes known as Affirmative Action!).

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance.

From oldbluejacket.com/Humor&Politics.htm

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

3. What do M&M's do?

4. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

5. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as ... (2 words)

6. "You'll wonder where the yellow went ..." (7 words)

7. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend. (First and last names, and middle initial)

8. "M-I-C... See ya real soon. K-E-Y..." (+5 letters)

9. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

10. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

11. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

12. Where have all the flowers gone?

13. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

14. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QBs in NFL history. (But do you know his nickname!)

15. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words)

16. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

17. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words)

18. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood 6' 6", weighed 245, kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words)

19. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

20. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash ..." (3 words)

21. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

22. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile! ..." (4 words)

Answers ...

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr

2. It's Howdy Doody time!!

3. Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

4. Wonder Bread

5. Casius Clay

6. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.

7. Maynerd G. Krebbs

8. Why? Because we like you. M-O-U-S-E

9. "a little dab will do ya"

10. over 30

11. who wrote the BOOK OF LOVE

12. gone to young girls everyone

13. the American Way

14. Joe Namath (Broadway Joe)

15. cause I eats me spinach

16. Mary Martin

17. Dick Nixon

18. Big John

19. on Blueberry Hill.

20. wherever you are.

21. Good night, David

22. You're on Candid Camera!

A Bawstin (Boston) Lexicon
ah: The letter between "q" and s."
ahdery: Runs through the middle of the city. Ahftah foah o'clock, it's clogged with cahs.
ahnt: Sistah of your fathah or muthah. Also: are not.
bah: Serves beah and hahd likkah: The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah.
bon: As in: Where were you bon?
Bawstin cream pie: A frosted layih cake.
bzah Strange, odd.
cahdnal: Oversees the Ahchdiasis of Bawstin.
Chahlz: The rivah.
chowdah: Clams, milk, buttah.
con: Stahchy veggie that comes on a cob.
connah: Where streets intersect, e.g., Fields, Uphams.
fah: Not neah heah.
fok: What you eat pahster with.
fyah: Blaze: The Great Fyah of 1872 reduced a lahge paht of Bawstin to cindahs.
gahbidge: What they used to dump in the hahbah.
guvnah: Chief executive of the commonwealth.
hahbah: What the Sonsalibidy dumped the tea into in 1773.
Hahvid: Country day school across the rivah.
heah: Done with the eahs: Listen, my children, and you shall heah/Of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah. Also: not thayah.
Howahya: How are you?
khakis: What you staht the cah with.
mayah: Chief executive of the city.
nawtheastah: A multiday stawm that blows in from the wottah. In February, a blizzid.
oddah: I'm Mahtha. Can I take yiz oddah?
owah: Sixty minutes.
pahk: Cahn't do it in Hahvid Yahd. Not downtown, eithah. Maybe in Glosta.
pahkah: One who pahks a cah.
pahker: What you wayah in the wintah.
pahlah: Where the sofer is.
pahster: Spaghetti, ziti, etc., served with veal pahm.
pahty: A social gathering. Also: Democrat or Republican.
pastah: The rectah of a parish, like St Mahgrit's or Sacred Haht.
Reveah: He rode through Ahlington on a hoss, shouting "To ahms!" Lived in the Nawth End. Also: the city just above Bawstin on the wottah.
shuah: Of course.
shot: Not tall.
tamorrah: The day ahftah today.
waw: An ahmed conflict As in: "If they mean to have a waw, let it begin heah."
wof: A peeah, jutting into the hahbah.
wottah: A blend of hydrogen and oxygen.
yiz: You, plural. As in: "Ah yiz goin' down the Cape tamorrah?"

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

A first grade teacher had 25 students in her class and
she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

1. Don't change horses......................... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the................................ bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before................. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of .... termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but..... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.

7. No news........................................ impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a.................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...... Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... Stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust.............................. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the......... pigs.

13. An idle mind is............................ best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's......... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who................... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ........................ not much.

17. Two's company, three's .............. the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry... and then blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed........... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you .... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ........ get out of the way.

The 72 Virginians: Ben Laden's Paradise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in th face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death. " Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama waits, he screams, "This is not what I was promised."

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

Dog Logic

There is more truth than poetry in some of the sayings.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. Sigmund Freud

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come from a grocery with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Barry

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.

The 72 Virginians: Ben Laden's Paradise

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in th face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death. " Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama waits, he screams, "This is not what I was promised."

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you tomorrow.

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us baby boomers.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -  Mrs. Brown, You've got a Lovely Walker.
2. Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a  Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Having a Flash.
4.  Ringo Starr- I Get by with a Little Help from Depends.
5. Roberta Flack -  The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
8. Commodores - Once,  Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the  Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer -  You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba - Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando - Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore - It's My  Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to.

Ordering pizza in 2010. This is great.

How many church people does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the
potato salad and fried chicken .

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
What's a light bulb?

Funny sayings

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from headaches, does that mean that one out of five enjoys them?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced Onety One?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, why aren't electricians delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older; then it dawned on me one day; they're cramming for their final exam!

You know how American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks? I wonder what Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

Why don't they have Preparations A through G?

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium...............What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma...............A punctuation mark.

D&C..........Where Washington is.

Dilate..............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.

Fester............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............A small lie.

G.I. Series..... ..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates............Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node........................I knew it

Outpatient.................A person who has fainted.

Pelvis..............Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.

Secretion....................Hiding something

Tablet........................A small table to change babies on.

Seizure...............Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by

Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than

Joe's feed warehouse or Frank's lumber mill.

Upgrade request to illegal immigrant status

The Honorable Senator (fill in name)
Senate Office Building

Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator,

As a native-born American and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year, so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my
daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Dear Redneck Son:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. Read the rest here.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in reply

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go ."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

Hallmark writers having bad day

I 've always wanted to have someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.   

xxx

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.    

xxx

A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me. 

xxx

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.  

xxx 

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia ).

xxx 

Happy birthday!

You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!   

xxx

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise. 

xxx

We have been friends for a very long time ..  let's say we stop?  

xxx

I 'm so miserable without you…

it's almost like you're here.

Humor archive

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